How to identify your true life partner

by Lucy Edington

Your true life partner is someone with whom you want to share all (or most) of your present and future experiences with; someone who you know you will not grow tired of and ever want to leave. This partner will feel wonderfully different to you and yet fit into your world view and dreams in odd little ways, and have interests in common with you. The phrase 'you just know' comes up a lot when people talk of life partners, but there are definitely a few pointers to look out for.

1. They treat you well

This is the most important aspect when identifying a life partner. If this person is going to be with you for a very long time, they have to put you at your ease. This does not mean constant compliments (although sincere ones peppered throughout your time together is a real bonus) but they must make you feel special. Bridget Jones is astounded when Mr Darcy says that he likes her 'just the way you are' - but this should really be a given for any true contender for this esteemed position in your life. You should not have to 'act' with this person and if they are worth their salt they will see through any time that you do. They will enjoy your company and not put you down, and be considerate and affectionate to you no matter who is watching. You'll suddenly realise you feel amazing and interesting around this person, and smile just thinking about them.

2. They make you laugh

Although second in this list, this is again a vital ingredient. They say laughter is the best medicine, and life can sometimes be very cruel and bleak. Someone who is going to share your life needs to keep your morale up and know how to keep you smiling. They can make you see the funny side if you are being too serious, feel better just by holding your hand, or know just the right face to pull to lighten the mood. They don't have to be cracking jokes every minute of your time together, but a sense of shared humour and fun is paramount to a successful relationship. You may only realise just how much you gel in this way when they are the only person you can stand to have around you when you are depressed and miserable.

3. They understand and respect your point of view

This is a natural extension of the first point. Supporting and respecting your opinions will make you feel fairly treated. A potential life partner does not have to agree with all of your beliefs and views, but although they may debate them they are never dismissive and unfeeling. Such a person will work to understand your motives and instincts and the way you think in order to get to know you anyway, so they will be well-versed in what will please and enrage you. Using this knowledge they will be encouraging of your aspirations, even if they don't quite want them for themselves, and also stand up for you and protect you if others are trampling all over your dreams.

4. You feel comfortable around them

'Comfortable' has bad connotations for some people, but it is possible to feel this safe and it not be at all boring. There is great relief to be felt in knowing that you can introduce someone to friends, family - even your boss - and they are not going to show you up. Comfort is also a satisfying ability to temporarily lay down your weapons and relax into a shared sense of mutual appreciation. We all spend so much time guarding against other's reactions and opinions, trying to figure out what is the 'right' thing to say or do, what we should wear and how we should present ourselves. All this will fall away when you are around your true life partner. You feel happy and safe when you are alone together, and you are proud of them in company. This is a true feeling of being 'comfortable', and no-one can really get bored of that.

5. They are willing to discuss things

Although when you have all the above points down pat you are definitely on to a good thing, the ability to get to the heart of any disagreement or issue is what holds it all together. Resentments simmer in a relationship and can corrode it from the inside, and when you have found a wonderful person you don't want that to happen. So communication is key in getting feelings aired and needs met. Your true life partner will not withhold on you, they will be willing to compromise, investigate and talk with you to keep things running smoothly. You need to find out the way to get them to do this that makes them feel most comfortable, but if you have been giving as much as you have been receiving then you will know very early on how this is best done.

So there you have it, the five essential points to consider when you are trying to identify your true life partner. It is worth mentioning, however, that we really have to be open to welcoming this person into our lives. Sometimes, especially if we have been hurt before, we can be resistant to accepting good people for fear we will be left in pain. There is a natural instinct to push them away as your current state of unhappiness is more familiar. A great relationship has to be embarked on with a little faith and hope, and soon you will be enjoying yourself too much to remember to be afraid.

One day you wake up and the giant hole in your breast is knitting itself together busily, you are looking forward to seeing that particular someone and there is a silly smile on your face. Your friends keep remarking on your happier outlook. You start dressing a little better, maybe combing your hair a different way to see how it looks. Work doesn't seem so bad as you have someone to see afterwards. You are singing or whistling too much, catch yourself doing so and laugh, and then are doing so again two minutes later. All this makes you feel a little crazy but blissfully alive. It is then you understand what that phrase is all about. It is then that you unequivocally 'know'.

Hear, See, and Say it